The Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults (GAM109)
The Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults is the story of what happens when a cop gets pushed out of the department for being a weird obnoxious child and becomes a pastor, then he buys a camcorder in 1993 and uses the rest of his five dollar allowance to produce an instructional video about policing imaginary cults. Type: Documentary Style Opening Phrase Where each week we watch another selection from Christian cinema, because every so often you're rewarded with the mind of deadly serious batshittery we're gonna talk about today. How Bad Was It? Well, if you loved Blood on the Road, but you wish it was about the fact that one in four cars turn into a dragon and eat you, you will love this movie. It's Blood on the Toad. Best Worst *Heath: …the movie is a glossary. Also… ignoring swastikas. *Noah: ...sweater. Also… best closing moment. *Eli: ...source of information. Secondly… music for the moment. Notes *Re-released on VHS by Naked Ghost Video. *Check out the bio of Larry Kahaner, author of Cults That Kill. Jokes *"And while we're looking at all of this, the guy is going like "You know we even have evidence is an exact quote that some sorts of rituals might be taking place.' The entire fucking country freaked out for decades over that level of evidence: we have some evidence that some sorts of rituals may be taking place. And then he says also, and this is very important, he says 'Satanism comes with unlimited drugs and deviant sexual behavior.' No! And see now, I was like sixteen when this shit was at its peak. What do you think I got into this stuff? I was promised unlimited drugs and deviant sexual behavior. The drugs were limited. Very limited. Mostly just what I ended up bringing." (15:50) *"Now, you absolutely—listen to me carefully podcast listener, I don't ask a lot from you, okay? Except that you occasionally visit by blog. But other than that, I only ask you to look up Eric Pryor, cause I could spend the rest of this episode telling you the Eric Pryor story. But here is the super short—please, please look him up, he's the most amazing human in the world—this is the super short version of Eric Pryor's life story. So, there was a Christian who was doing a big pray-off in California; he's like 'Oh, ooga booga booga, I hope no homosexuals show up!" But who shows up but Eric Pryor, who nobody's ever heard of, and he's like 'I am the head of all the witches, and I will put a curse on you!' And he's like, 'Whaaat? A real Satanist head of witches guy? That's craaazy. If only he and I could talk.' So they 'talk', and surprise, Eric Pryor becomes a Christian! He only gets a couple thousand dollars a month for it, and all the money he gets preaching, and maybe gets to live on a private golf course. It's fucking… it gets better. So, he... turns out, hey guess what? He was never a High Satanist. They actually did research on this in 1991: there was like a tv special about him where fucking Diane Sawyer was like 'I think this guy's full of shit.' And you can watch it, because it's on YouTube, but he's never a Satanist, Satanists never had any idea what he was talking about, and it turned out when you asked questions about Satanism he would just make stuff up. He'd be like 'Uh, well Satanists love the color blue.' 'Are you just saying that because I am standing in front of a blue background?' 'And they love Diane Sawyer.' Alright. So, then he's like 'You know what? Screw you guys, I'm gonna start a Satanist cult." So he buys a house—a mansion—with twenty-eight rooms that he said belonged to the actress who played the witch in Bewitched (it did not). Bewitched. The actress from Bewitched. And he tries to start a cult, and it doesn't work, and he runs out of money. And so then he goes back to being a Christian; he's like 'Hey, everybody! I'm a Christian, and I know I have spent my entire pubic life telling you I was a Satanist on the streets of New York, but actually I was Andy Warhol's assistant and I invented the term Byzantine Postmodern Art.' And everyone's like 'No you didn't Eric Pryor. You're a liar.' And then he gets hit by a truck walking across the street and dies. That… this… that is the end of his story. Oh my god, you have to read these articles about him, 'cause they're crazier than I could ever imagine. We're going to do an episode of Citation Needed about him as soon as I can, but until then, he's the greatest human of all time." (27:46) Interstitials *Heath and Noah summon Baphomet (7:25) *The Grand Preparation (58:26) Tropes *Christians Don't Know How the World Works *Not Christian Enough *Nothing Happens *Reprehensible Moral Message *Veiled Reference to the Disease of Homosexuality Links *Episode on Audioboom *Film on YouTube *IMDB Category:Episodes Category:Noah Lugeons Category:Heath Enwright Category:Eli Bosnick